note from hell

1 May 2011..... It wasn’t the usual Monday morning blues. Osama had just checked into Jannat of his dreams(JOHD) with his entourage. Pity he had to leave his begum behind. She was far from expiry date and used to make such nice kebabs. But what the hell... he will now get not one, but an entire harem of women. Not bad eh?

A few hours back, when he was unceremoniously dumped in the sea, there was a moment of confusion and chaos. 3 coy sharks, 2 crazed bottlenose dolphins trying to act fresh and a dozen dead Somali pirates ....why were they crowding the sea! Enroute to jannat, he met a man in an orange robe and a strange Afro hairstyle. He was trying to drop ash on him and even offered him a gold watch. Bin Laden had to decline politely – the last thing he needed was a watch to time his err... performance. He had 72 dark eyed, nubile things waiting for him and he was waiting for them - oh yeah!

He was expecting more; after all he was the big daddy of Jihadis. 150 perhaps! But in the spirit of camaraderie, he was magnanimous enough leave a few for his Jihadi brothers as well.

His last Earthy abode, Abbottabad was not a bad place to live in. It was far better than the caves of Afganistan and it came fully loaded with post retirement benefits. Cool mansion, cooler neighbours (all of them ex army) and a plush job – Director Subterfuge at the Pakistani Military Academy. He was after all a world renowned expert in ratting it out in caves. And with Islamabad just a stone throw’s away, he could order his favourite Mutton Korma Pizza from Dominos anytime. Last week was heaven – it was the buy one get one week. Burp....

His only galti se mistake - he loaded FB on his mobile. Boy! was he hooked. A hitherto unknown world opened up for him – he would spend hours saving lost kitties on Farmville, stay up all night playing Mafia Wars. He even met an interesting woman online – damn was she hot! But she beat him black and blue in Scrabble. How he wished he had paid more attention to English in school. Sadly he thought it was a language of the infidels, but in today’s world, to survive you have to know English! How else do you order a Pizza on the phone?

Zawahiri marked for convinience

His bhai jaan thinks it was his last status message “Chilling out at Abbottabad” that did them in. Sigh...even Osama is not safe in Pakistan. But he knows his bloody legacy is in the safe hands of his second in command Aiman-Al –Zawahiri. Too bad the chappie’s forehead has a bulls- eye marked for convenience. Might as well walk around wearing a Tee that reads Shoot me!

He wondered how many were chanting Tere Bin Laden in his memory. Osama will always be a martyr that nobody will forget in haste. Those treacherous Pakistanis ratting out on him and now acting coy – he couldn’t wait to haunt them as a bhoot. Look at the Indians, such nice people. They keep making movies on him. He just read that they are making another one – Shootout at Abbottabad, in his dear departed memory.

Osama’s mobile beeps - yes even jannat is well connected. There’s a new message waiting for him besides the Satanic Services Welcomes you to hell, roaming charges apply. This one is a thank-you-for-dying note from Obama. He raises his eyebrows quizzically.

As bin Laden walks is the reception, he curls up his nose in disgust. The decor is too loud for his taste, the music jarring and it’s too hot for comfort. It almost feels like hell. He will have to speak to maintenance. With a rakish smile he walks up to the receptionist and asks – “This is Osama, I believe there’s a consignment waiting for me – the 72 virgins”. The girl gives a panicked look, picks up the phone and talks in an agitated tone - Emergency, there has been premature delivery at the incorrect address and he is making weird requests. Isn’t this bloke supposed to be clean shaven, American and delivered to heaven! Osama grits his teeth and in a low menacing tone he says –This isOsama bin laden, not Obama......google me lady! The girl sighs in relief and gives him a sheepish smile. Err sir I am afraid we are a bit out of stock now. Your buddy Saddam reached much earlier than you did and charmed the waiting virgins! And the remaining, were taken by Achmed the cute terrorist. All he had to say was “I’ll keeeel you” and the girls would swoon in ecstasy. But I believe we do have a few mature ones remaining for you. Like wine they got better with age just for your sake.

One look at them and Osama starts sobbing – all these years of hardship for this!! Even the Somali Pirates were better looking than them.

Suddenly the PA system comes to life “Welcome to hell, hope you have a pleasurable stay”. He goes back to the reception and barks “I believe there has been a mistake, I should have been in jannat and not hell”!! The girl smiles back - Sir your membership to Jannat expired long ago and you have been downgraded to hell! He stomps out mumbling “I’ll keeeel you” and furiously keys in his latest tweet.....Happy as hell with mah six dozen virgins. He wouldn’t want to disappoint his Earthly Jihadis, would he.